


The Bathroom

by domini_porter



Series: Scenes from Domestic Life [4]
Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 12:34:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15774228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domini_porter/pseuds/domini_porter





	The Bathroom

Maura was sitting at the kitchen table, reviewing documents for an upcoming trial, when her phone rang. There was nothing immediately unusual about this, but when she picked it up off the table she lifted an eyebrow.

_Incoming Call: Jane Rizzoli_

"Jane?" Maura called out, since Jane had been sitting in the chair opposite her just a few minutes before.

"Pick up the phone, Maura," she heard Jane shout from somewhere deep in the house.

Maura raised her other eyebrow and pressed the answer button. "Hello?" she said, her curiosity evident.

"Maura, there is a spider in here and it's bigger than Jo Friday."

"Where are you?"

"The bathroom."

"Which bathroom?" Maura couldn't contain her laughter.

"The one by the laundry room. Don't you dare laugh at me, Maura Isles. This thing is a friggin' monster."

"It's a spider, Jane. And if it's that large—which I doubt, since spiders that size are only found in dense subtropical jungles-"

"So it caught a red-eye from the Amazon, just get  _in_  here."

Maura grinned as she got up from the table. "In all probability it's not poisonous."

"I don't care. It's got . . . oh God, Maura, it's got so many legs."

"All arachnids have eight legs, Jane, and while I agree that's a lot when considered from the perspective of a bipedal organism-"

"Maura.  _It is going to eat me, I know it._ And then my death will be on your head, and nobody will ever come stay with you again."

Maura sighed as she arrived at the bathroom door. "Can I just open it, or should I put on a HAZMAT suit first?"

Jane hung up.

"Not funny, Maura," she said.

"Jane."

"Just open the damn door."

"Are you sure it's not going to jump on my face?"

" _I'm_  going to jump on your face if you don't get your ass in here."

"I don't see how you could jump on my face through a closed door."

"Oh my God. Oh my  _God_ , Maura, I swear I'm going to kill you. I'm a homicide detective, I know how to do it without getting caught."

Maura smiled widely and twisted the doorknob.

"You locked it, Jane."

Jane didn't reply, though Maura heard what she supposed was Jane slowly banging her head against the bathroom wall.

"Is it between you and the door?"

"Uh, yes."

"All right." Maura paused for a moment, to think and to try to contain her laughter. She didn't imagine Jane would be especially pleased to know she was nearly doubled over at the thought of homicide detective Jane Rizzoli, intrepid pursuer of violent murderers, cowering in terror at the presence of a spider.

"Maura," Jane said through the door, her voice deceptively even. "Please figure out how to get into this room so I'm not murdered by an arachnid."

"Spiders don't have the moral compass to differentiate between feeding and murder," she said, knowing Jane's reaction would be less than positive but saying it anyway.

"Oh my God," Jane said. "I'm never gonna do that thing to you again."

"What thing is that, Jane?"

"You know what thing I'm talking about."

"You mean going to yoga?"

There was a moment of silence.

"That too."

"Jane," Maura said, her voice light and reassuring. "You'll be fine. It's just a spider, it's more afraid of you than you are of it."

"That's total bullshit and you know it," Jane shouted. "That's just a lie parents teach their kids so they'll kill bugs for them."

"So have a kid and maybe they'll kill that spider for you."

"If this is your way of telling me you want to have children you are  _doing it wrong_ ," Jane said. "Please, Maura, please figure out how to get in here."

There was a long silence as Maura scrutinized the door, assessing her options.

"Maura," Jane said finally, her voice as calm and loving as she could make it. "I promise I will be the nicest, kindest, recycling-est person in the whole world if you will break down this door right now. Because it's—oh God, Maura, it's coming closer to me."

"Just step on it, Jane!" Maura cried. "It's just a spider!"

"It has  _fangs_. I can  _see_ them."

"Oh you can not," Maura sighed. "They're probably so small you'd need a magnifying glass at the very least."

Jane didn't reply.

"Jane?"

Silence.

"Jane, are you all right?" Maura felt a twinge of concern, despite knowing that whatever spider was sharing the bathroom with Jane was most likely harmless.

"I don't know where it went," Jane finally said.

"So come unlock the door."

"What if it's hiding under the doorknob?"

"Did you see it crawl to the doorknob?"

Silence.

"Jane?"

"No."

Maura shook her head in affectionate exasperation.

"Are you shaking your head out there?"

Maura said nothing.

"You are, aren't you. This is serious, Maura."

"That's debatable."

"What's debatable is whether or not you'll ever get to see me naked again."

Maura considered this.

"All right," she said finally. There's some hairspray in the medicine cabinet. Get it and spray the spider when you see it again."

"But what if it's in the medicine cabinet?"

"Then it won't be hard to spray it."

"Oh my God."

"Do I need to call Frost?"

"Don't you dare. Don't you  _dare_. If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll . . . I'll . . ."

"You'll kill me?"

"Yeah. That. If this spider doesn't kill me first."

"Jane." Maura sighed. "Clearly this is not a sustainable situation. You just need to take a deep breath, clear your mind, focus your energy-"

"I'm not trying to ascend to a higher plane of consciousness here, Maura, I'm trying to get out of the bathroom."

"Then just close your eyes and unlock the door. You can do it!"

"What do I get if I do?"

"You mean aside from the satisfaction that comes from conquering a fear?"

"Aside from that."

"Well," Maura said, "you'll be out of the bathroom."

Jane didn't respond.

"And I'll give you a present."

There was a brief pause.

"I like presents," Jane said.

"I know."

"Will it be a good present?"

"You'll have to find out."

Maura listened carefully, her ear pressed to the door, as Jane shuffled around in the bathroom. Finally there was a soft  _click_  and the door opened. Maura was almost knocked down as Jane bolted out, not stopping until she was halfway across the living room.

"Congratulations!" Maura said cheerfully. "You did it!"

"Kill it, Maura," Jane said seriously. "I will never be able to sleep here again if I know it's still creeping around."

"There are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of spiders and insects in this house right now, Jane," she replied. Jane squeezed her eyes closed and put her fingers in her ears, shaking her head.

"I am not listening to you right now," she muttered. "You are not helping."

"Oh, poor thing," Maura clucked, crossing to her and kissing her tenderly. "It's just a spider."

"Go in there and look at it and tell me it's just a spider," Jane said.

Maura grinned, kissed Jane again, and went into the bathroom.

"Oh my God, Jane," she said.

"I told you! I  _told_  you!"

"I don't think I've ever seen a specimen this large, at least not in a private home," Maura called. "Can you bring me a large glass bowl? And a piece of paper."

"You're going to  _free_ it? You're going to unleash that monster on an unsuspecting world? You're a terrible person."

"You want me to just kill it? It didn't do anything to you! And it's probably very effective at controlling the local insect population."

"But it's so gross!"

"It probably thinks you're a little gross too," Maura said.

"It thinks I'm  _lunch_ , Maura. Please just kill it."

Maura sighed loudly enough to make sure Jane heard her. "All right. But if this affects my position on the karma wheel-"

"I will buy you a thousand karma wheels,  _please_."

"Why are you so afraid of spiders? Have you always been this way?" Jane mumbled something Maura couldn't quite hear. "What was that?"

"I was at summer camp and I woke up in the middle of the night and there was a spider  _on my face_ ," she shouted. "On my  _face_ , Maura."

"Negative experiences during one's formative years can certainly instill lasting aversions," Maura said, slipping her shoe off. "I think it's charming that you're still afraid of spiders. It humanizes you a little more."

"Once it's dead I'll really be able to resent you for patronizing me," Jane called, "but it's not dead yet, is it."

Maura shook her head, and brought the shoe down with a sharp  _thwack_.

"It's dead, Jane," she called. "I'm bringing it out now."

"Ew! No! Just flush it!"

"Don't you want to see it up close knowing there's absolutely nothing it can do to you?"

"I'm not the one who likes dead bodies, Dr. Death," Jane yelled. "Just flush it and then give me my present for being brave."

Maura scraped the remnants of the spider from her shoe with a piece of tissue and dropped the bundle into the toilet. She flushed it down, and could hear Jane's sigh of relief from the other room.

"I hope you can appreciate that I just got spider guts all over my custom Ferregamo wedges," she said, emerging from the bathroom.

"I can," Jane said in the way that made Maura certain she couldn't at all, but the look of total relief on her face was enough to make her forget all about it. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Jane," she said. "Next time, just step on it, okay?"

"No promises," Jane replied. "But I'll try. I'll  _try_ to try."

"I suppose that will have to be good enough," Maura sighed.

"Where's my present?"

"You mean my killing what was—admittedly—a very large spider for you wasn't gift enough?" Maura smiled.

"Uh, when I get the promise of a present from you, I know it's gonna be something I'll want to collect on," Jane said.

Maura blushed slightly. "Is there anything in particular you'd like to have?"

"I'm sure I'll think of something," Jane said, a slow smile spreading across her face. "I  _was_  pretty brave just then."

"Mm-hmm," Maura murmured with just a hint of skepticism. "Though I suppose positive reinforcement can work wonders for self-esteem."

"My self-esteem is already pretty high," Jane said. "Of course, that doesn't mean it can't be higher."

"So modest," Maura raised an eyebrow.

"I got you, didn't I? That's not a light anyone ought to hide under a bushel."

"Jane, now you're making  _me_  feel immodest."

"That's all I've ever wanted," Jane said. "Now, about my present . . ."


End file.
